The northern therapist, a famous and influential therapy and counseling services provider, seems to, first and foremost, discuss and tackle the handicaps of a “healthy” marriage. By considering the intertwined nature of northern culture and religiosity, the founder of this wonderful service is Maryam Hassan Baba, who, together with her incredible team, in addition to her therapeutic services, holds an annual conference, handling a specific theme per year. This year’s (2023) special, being the third, aims to refresh the marriage and the intended intention of marriage.
Apart from ‘The Northern Therapist’, the organizers include Halal Tours, the Afficent, and Sufaye Investment, which brought together distinct personalities from various experienced specializations to shed light on how to decrease the effect of some hindering factors that are making marriage institutions disastrous.
Some of the speakers in this year’s conference include Professor Yusuf Alhassan, Alhaji Said Takuma and his wife Maryam Lemu, and Aisah Tofa, moderated by Aisha Gumel Farouq, aka Mrs. F, representing the first panel. The panelists presented on the issues of infidelity, self-discipline, nurturing intimacy, and navigating boredom in marriage. The second panelists, moderated by Maryam Hassan Baba, aka the Northern Therapist, include Hauwa Mustafa Babura, Ahmad Muhammad Ahmad, Abdulmalik Shehu Mahdi, and Sabeeha Hussain. Which discussed economic resilience for families, financial management, submission, and work-life balance. The second panel was followed by a poem sung by Sufian Ibrahim and Safiyya Sabiu Zakari, echoing the positive promises of an intentionally engaged marriage. To top it all, a trip to the Maldives, sponsored by Halal Tours, was given to one lucky couple after a guided quiz.
The panels were conducted mainly around questions cast by the moderator. The questions were, however, generated by asking the audience prior to the conference about issues they would like to see tackled. A recap of the discussed issues will include the most salient touch-up cases. The focal point of all the panelists was the intentionality of marriage, given the theme of the conference. However, religious references were cited in support of and to show the significance of marriage as a religious institute and how taking it as such would be revealing in managing other related issues. Hauwa Babura outspokenly lamented marriages founded mainly on sexual satisfaction. In other words, she drew attention to how focusing solely on sexual satisfaction in marriage isn’t a good way of looking at the institute. The spectrum, through which one should view marriage, is proposed to be beyond and broader than a single angle.
Moreover, the impact of the Northern culture and tradition on the current generation’s perception of marriage is extensively discussed. Based on the discussions, it became clear that the panelists were advising the audience in particular and the whole nation in general on how blind internalization of the past dogmas, rather than helping us shape and understand our circle, is yielding unfruitful results in our relationships, especially with our spouses. And how it’s inevitable to narrow down the working and discard the non-working dogmas. Dogma doesn’t necessarily mean something bad. Men’s perception of the female gender has drastically changed and evolved from that of our previous generations. So, strict adherence to the ancient understanding of gender roles may not work for the current generation. This brought up the issue of feminism and how some aspects of the ideology are not in congruence with our culture and religion, although some raised issues have a basis in our society. Which has to do with our negligence in religious teaching. The point is to hit the nail on the head, whose right is chewed by which group should be thoroughly understood and studied, for religious-culturally friendly solutions.
As for the issue of infidelity, it is made clear that every person is first and foremost a servant of Allah. And that any act of infidelity reflects a servant-Allah relationship before anything. An attempt to address this issue has to target the sides in question. People should realize that they are not sinning to their better half but firstly to God, then their spouses. The panelists believe that looking at the issue like that would bring more intentionality and mindfulness, hence the desired solution.
The case for finance and boundaries was addressed around the question and issue of boundaries. Said differently, how and when should a person draw a boundary? It was suggested that when a wife starts to witness the withdrawal of her husband from responsibility, it’s a well-known fact that the responsibility of providing for and taking care of the family is on the shoulders of the husband. So, whenever a wife starts to notice the said act in question, she is advised to focus on herself and let the man find a way to take care of the house. This, in no way, means that she is not willing to help in cases of dire need. Only her help shouldn’t transform into a change of roles as husband and wife. It’s also stated that the wife should bear in mind that for every act of kindness, she shows, she is better off if she does it solely for the sake of Allah. As for the husband, it was suggested that he take her aid as a loan he has to pay back. Which the panelists believe would motivate him to focus on standing on his feet.
In line with this, the matter of career was also raised, in the sense of finding balance in keeping marriage and career intact. The response to this was that, before marriage, the issue of priority should be addressed. That is to say, the intention and aim should be clear and precise. And that both sides should help actualize each other’s dreams. In the case of marriage, the success of one is the success of the other. But things shouldn’t be left blurry without discussion and a clear take from both sides.
Stating how an eye-opener the conference was would, to say the least, be a literal definition of understatement. The program was generously organized and modestly conducted. I can’t say I have been to its kind in the North yet. I believe the perpetual occurrence of such events would be fruitful in tackling societal issues. I also have to agree that the fact that the questions were generated beforehand was a spectacular idea, as it played a huge role in organization and time management. However, I can’t help but notice that something could have been done differently. For instance, more emphasis could have been placed on gender roles by considering contemporary factors. This, I believe, is possible through embracing the real changes and challenges confronting us in terms of ideologies, mindsets, and religious inclinations. Because it is obvious that, even if not stated out loud, a lot is changing and that we don’t have the luxury of disregard anymore. It is unpleasant and unfair to some, I know, but I think it’s about time that we bring the hard questions to our scholars and intellectuals for their sophisticated wisdom. Additionally, since the conference is organized by a “therapist,” I believe that a significant amount of effort could have been devoted to researching marriage-related issues before the event. As such, it would help showcase the findings; hence, any suggestions and solutions would have been in congruence with the findings. Last but not least, we are sincerely appreciative of the effort beyond our limited imagination. I will end with a quote from the event, “Komai dadin duniya lahira tafita”.
By
Name: Abdulkarim Auwal
Academic Qualification: BA in Islamic Studies, BA in Psychology and MA in Islamic studies
Phone: 08108484309